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| I'm a sucker for brunettes who wear long, flowing skirts.
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| Awkward night, last night, towards end. Fucked it up, really fucked it up. Came home, drank in room, 5:30am. Just wanted to hold her hand. Just wanted to kiss her good night. Just wanted to feel normal.
Developed twitch. Sometimes, just looks like winking. Sometimes looks like retching, convulsing. Try to hide it. Succeed, sometimes.
Had dream. With ex-girlfriend. Peeled back our skins, remembered. Can't look backward. Can't look forward. And here - there is nothing here.
Drink now. No time for food. Feel stomach shriveling. Remember what dying is like. Remember sitting in dark, in room, alone.
Drink because thoughts are too fast. Slow them down. Drink because the world doesn't matter, only feeling. Feeling is first, he said. And no one cares. Drink now, and let world fall in its place, chaos, around me.
Stomach is insistent. Arms smaller than they used to be. Weigh less. What does it matter. Try to give and give - all has to come from somewhere.
Don't worry. Things look up. We ride on sine curve, which is circle, which is life. If we don't die at bottom, we die at top, or somewhere between. Doesn't matter. We are trapped.
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| I hate waking up after a single REM cycle and then wondering if it will get me through the whole day. It's no good to be awake, and sober at that, and to feel so alone. I hear my roommate's snores not five feet away. Everyone is spending time with themselves, away on adventures in a foreign atmosphere. And I want nothing more than to be with someone who loves me. Okay, maybe there are more stipulations than that to my wish. But still, I feel it isn't so much to ask.
I don't have patience for this sort of thing, but I sure as hell have perseverance.
By the way, does anyone read this? It seems like I'm mainly just venting to myself here, but it's nice to know sometimes that someone is listening.
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| Had this really horrible dream where you were mad at me. You wouldn't speak to me and kept trying to avoid me. By the end of it, I was on my knees begging you to tell me what I had done so I could somehow make it up to you. You just said that it wasn't going to be that easy and walked out the door. I cried, and then woke up.
Please don't be mad at me. I just want everything to be right.
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| Don't want this birthday to be like birthday 2 years ago. Wishing wishing wishing.
More about horrifying birthday thoughts later.
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